Since arriving...

Ok so I've officially given up on filling the blog in with every detail but here is a quick update before I head off to bed. Yesterday we went to the quaintest little town called Petersfield and I just loved walking up and down the cobbletstone streets with markets flanking the sides with antiques, flowers, old books, etc...
I've been to three lectures now- all so stimulating that I spent half my study time today just trying to process it all. The first was on the "Universe" -HA! This was like astrology one oh one with eternity and why God is a bad ace sprinkled all over it, one from a lady who does mission work everywhere (not really able to go into all of this but it definitely reaffirmed my desire for Kenya and Sudan), and then tonights was on Lewis and his desire to show us reality and have it to take our breath away. The lectures have all been so intellectully stimulating that I walk away with so many doubts often because it all just seems so grandiose. I was telling one of my tutors this today. I was talking about this last year and how I have worked through so many doubts, hurts, etc but more questions keep rising out of me and that makes me feel so guilty. She responded with this: 'It should be the most natural thing to feel safe and loved by God while also constantly asking Him questions. Think of a child in their relationship with their father. They feel safe and loved but their entire growing up they are constantly asking: "Why this?" or "Why that?". this made so much sense to me and is something that i've spent a great deal of time thinking about since.
Last night we all went to the local pub for a drink after supper. Its one that I have really grown to love. Its so funny because pretty much every time I have either walked past it or walked in it the same people from the little community are all sitting around in it. It was really fun to get off of the property and just have fun and relax. We definitely spend time together at the Manor House itself but it is mostly over intellectual conversations and then the other time is individual study so when we are all just hanging out and relaxing it is really fun and a great way to get to know one another in a new way.
I think about all of you often! The difference here than when I have gone away before is that life is soo slow. Which is a gift in one way but for a worker bee like myself it is quite unnerving to just sit, think, reflect, study, and to have to really look INSIDE myself rather than all around me. Suzanne- I do think about you every time I read Jesus Calling in the morning, Jamie Duff I think about how you would LOVE it here- all the conversations are so intriguing, I think about Joshua every time we get on a train, I think about Aunt Jee Jee everytime I take a shower bc of the shower gel. OH the showers! They are so FREAKING small. Dad- the cave's shower is literally gigantic compared to the ones here. Some part of my body is always touching one of the walls. But the water is always hot and great pressure which is way more important to me. Krista I think about you for so many reasons why you would laugh the entire day- can't wait to tell you about these later.
My friend Joanie from Scotland and I sat last night in our beds and traded different words from our countries. We were rolling listening to each other trying to pronounce the other's words. I think I might go and try to visit her for a couple of days. I've gotten to be really close to two gys from California- Garrett and Chris. One of my best friends from the get go Annalise from Seattle leaves on Thursday and I'm really bummed about this but new people literally come every day.
I'm reading the book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning right now as part of my study course and it has been really eye opening. This guy named Ryan from Memphis and I pulled weeds together this morning for several hours. It felt nice to get dirty and work hard. I feel like with every day I'm getting more and more aquainted to this lifestyle but I still feel like I'm really having to rely on the Lord every day to be enough and to teach me to look inward.
At the pub last night the main guy's son who is 19 came with us and told us crazy stories about all the people who have come to L'Abri over the years. We were rolling! He is truly one of the funniest people I've ever listened to and it seems that everything is funnier in a British accent.

Well that is very scattered but the best I can do for now. I can check my email so please send some updates my way I just am awful at actually responding becase of my limited internet time.

love you guys

"Welcome To L'Abri"

It is so hard to post here because I'm journaling all the time so when I post its like 2ish days old almost but oh well. At some point I'll have to let go of the promise to Joanie to write about every detail and skip a few days. This one should be full of funny scenarios for all though.
To say that L'Abri is idyllic is an extreme understatement. I got off the train to Liss and walked into a storybook of a land. HA! The walk though- something all on its' own. Two bags worth of 2 months stuff up and down grassy paths, rocky hills, and broken stone roads. I passed small pubs with people sitting outside and beautiful gardens covering truly every home I passed. After the first mile and a half I began to feel the pain of the bruises that later developed on my hip bones and back from my bag and truly didn't think I could make it any longer. Almost immediately after that a man and woman got out of their car and offered me a ride for the next 1 and a 1/2. I WAS SO GRATEFUL! On the ride there they told me of how they actually met at L'Abri (her from Canada and him from here) and are now married and a month away from their first child. Quite the story book ending indeed...
So I get out of their car at the entrance to the "Manor Propterties" and walk under an arched brick walkway into the most amazing land ever. Acres of hills, lush gardens, and small cottages surround the actual manor house itself. I took a huge breath in my astonishment, thanked the couple and began walking p the path to the side door. Hanging on the huge entry was a wooden sign with the words "Welcome to L'Abri, walk on it" carved into it. I opened the door to an extremely large house with more nooks and crannies than any of my nephews could ever get bored with.
After several calls of "Hello" a girl with a shaved head came bouncing down the stairs to welcome me. Eventually I was led by a "helper" to my living quarters -'The Sunken Room'. It is found after a long climb of stairs, through a stained glass corridor, and after opening mybe the heaviest door known to man. Inside are two sets of bunk beds and three other twins with huge windows draping the opposite wall ooking out onto the gardens. There are quaint dressers, armoires, and unique lamps next to each bed.
After setting down my things I was given my spper in the kitchen at an old long farm table and then walked around the house itself and outside. There are roomes filled from floor to ceiling with books- beautiful ones with worn leather covers, ripped pages, and a musty library smell. Comfortable couches, armchairs, round tables, and rocking chairs litter all the rooms. Mismatched silverware, mugs, plates and bowls dress the walls and hutches of the kitchen and after walking around for about 30 minutes I still had not seen all the rooms.
I've met people from Sweden, Belgium, The NEtherlands, South AFrica, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Scotland, Ireland, Korea, and all over the US- California, NY, Seattle, Montana, and two from TENNESSEE!! Again- I've yet to meet everyone. One of my roommates is from Scotland and her name is Joanie. It immediately made me feel the warmth of home and we have since developed a great friendship!

planes, trains, automobiles...and foot

Whew. Attempting to sum up life since boarding a plane in Nashville would prove impossible but I will try to give a quick vision of it. When I got off the plane in NYC I was feeling a bit lonely and fearful. I asked the Lord to please send me someone to talk to and when I sat down there were 6 people from London that I ended up talking to for the better part of an hour- none of which knew where Liss was which struck a little more fear in me but overall I felt much better when they left to get on their plane. My flight on the other hand was delayed from an 8:30 take off to 2 am. Getting myself off that plane and onto the train to Liss was an experience all in itself. I keptt hinking to myself- if my mom or a friend was here with or simply watching me they would in FITS of laughter! There were numerous people to ask about where to go, a bus to take into the city, get off that one and wait for a bus into Woking (a charming little town) and then a train to catch from Woking to Liss.
The bus which took me out of the city all of a sudden plopped me into the most beautiful countryside my eyes have ever held. The buildings and houses are like none I have ever known- straight out of a story book. The movies Knotting Hill or The Holiday do not hardly touch the beauties these countrysides offer. Quaint. Quaint. Quaint...more detail on this later. The perfect place to seek beauty, peace, serenity, and quiet solitude. The city was exciting, fun, and busy but it made me long for someone to be on the journey with me there (ASHLEY!). The small villages I passed on the train made me thankful for the vast amounts of books in my bag and the tea awaiting me in Greatham. I feel so comfy cozy here already- like no one can get me here or even be able to tell the same expereiences I will hold.
I love the little sayings I've picked up on- "mind the gap now!", "Oh, how spookay!" or the way that the 1740 train is pronounced 1714 (this little one almost made me miss the train!). Mini- you are right! The men here are gorgeous. Varying Jude Laws running around everywhere in pin striped suits or little sweater sets and khakis.
The people on the trains that I've taken since leaving the city are so relaxed, its an aura I can't describe. Much like what I'd think a train into FAirview might look like, no IPODS, phones, etc but the difference is that these people are still so cultured in appearance (no offense Lee family)- like they could hop right back into the mainstream without missing a beat. Which I guess is what they do everyday...

More to come very soon!!!!

The Countdown Has Begun.

...Less than 48 hours and I am OFF!
The last few days have been so full of love and joy with friends in Nashville. I have been packed out with breakfasts, coffees, dinners, lunches, and drinks. It's been such a humbling experience to realize how much life and love I have here in this city. Remembering last May when I felt so lonely and friendless it is amazing to think about the abundance of people I have been surrounded with. Thankful does not even begin to describe it but I am just that- thankful. Thankful that when I return in August there will be people beyond measure to catch up and pick up the day to day journey with again whether in person or on the phone.
Things you can be praying for:
1. safety while I am traveling
2. relationships with people while I am there. That I will really connect with the community at L'Abri
3. That I'll still feel connected to my friends and family here even with such limited communication. Especially my nephews- I've never been a part from them for longer than this!
4. That it will be stress free when it comes to planning and money
5. For life here to tie up well in the next two days and that there won't be too crazy of loose ends left in regards to my house, school, work, etc.
6. For my relationship with the Lord to take on new depths and facets that will wash me with awe for Him, that will bring peace in my soul, and that will bind my heart closer around His than it is today.
7. Opportunites to spread His gospel and the courage to follow when He calls me to do that. There is a guilt in me that I am going overseas and it not being in regards to missions but I know that the Lord has great purpose in this and I want to use all that He has filled me up with there just as I would in Kenya, Nashville, or wherever I am in this world.

AAAAHHHHHHHHH! Here it is. I am embarking on a crazy journey in less than two days. Life is such an amazing journey isn't it- hard and yucky at times of course but so fun and exhilirating at times like this!!!!

A God Who Is Faithful and Works Miracles.

Below are two emails that weren't sent out to my close friends and family. The first is from last November and the last is just from last week. There really is nothing else to say besides what has already been written- a testament of His goodness and love poured over His children.
November Email:
I am compelled in a way that I must submit to tell again of her story and the completion of it in the last two weeks.
As many of you know she sparked a fire in my soul that a year and a half later is burning higher and more intensely than it was when she lit it. That can only be explained as Holy Fire-set within me through one of His angels. We entered Ewaso after hours on a bus ride that was taken without an exact road to travel on causing endless head aches, nausea, and sing alongs to “Oops I Did It Again” (one of the many times I had to CHOOSE to love people on my team). We saw zebras, naked old men holding crazy looking tribal sticks, and God’s beauty untouched by the modern world. When we finally arrived there were about 50 women, children, and men waiting for us.
In the midst of these children that we were all attempting to pick up and hold was one little girl, sitting and just staring at me. As I went over to her she immediately raised her beautiful arms for me to hold her. As our hearts physically met I could feel hers beating at a pace that would normally tell of a 50 yard dash someone just ran. I quickly found out through the men in the crowd that she was sick with an unknown disease, a street orphan, and was not expected to live long. My tears were soon falling on her scabbed head as I rocked her around our outdoor “home” for that season of life.
Day in and day out for rest of our time there she was waiting for me when we got up, slept on my chest, and would only let others hold her if I forced her to- only then if I was walking alongside them. I could not get her to speak no matter what I did but our connection that we made with our eyes was enough. I went to sleep every night praying that God would give me strength to leave her.
On the last day that we were there I was sitting with a translator explaining to her that it was time to go, that one day we would dance at Jesus’ feet together, and that I loved her. Her huge chocolate eyes looked up at me and shattered my soul with “My. Mama.”. I proceeded to cradle in a leader’s lap bawling. How could I have a heart and leave this girl? I still ask myself that so often.
That first day when she lifted her arms up to me I became a mother. A mother to a child that did not come from my womb. A mother that was only 20 years old. That I only spent a handful of days and nights with. That looked opposite of me. And lived on the other side of the world.
Another woman that I met in that village, Mary, who took me in as her daughter promised on the last day through tears that she would take care of her adopted granddaughter when I left.
Because of this beautiful woman I have been able to talk to Shiro almost every 2 weeks since coming back because Mary straps her on her back and walks 8 to 10 miles every other Monday for us to all talk. They have sent me pictures, drawings, letters, and bracelets made out of extra fabric. I have been able to get Shiro medicine to make her pain less, provide food and clothes for her in plenty through Mary. Only God can make a relationship grow deeper when you are a half a world apart.
Last week many of you received a text from me saying that I had just talked to Shiro for my last time. Mary called to say that her limbs were swelling, she could no longer speak, and was given only a couple of days. I was able to speak truth over my baby girl and though she had no strength to talk back I was able to hear her sweet breaths.
The heart break and emptiness it has caused me has surprised me. I have always known this day was coming. But the reality of it, broke me all over again. Caused me to reel with questions of how could I live day in and day out here knowing she is suffering without me by her side? Mary has sent an email saying that in her last two weeks she slept with a picture I sent her of us next to her heart always. Not emotions of guilt as much as intense longing- longing to be with her, to hold her until Jesus does, and then to watch her dance at His feet as she enters into those gates. And then an emptiness that I will walk with until I am dancing with her at those gates.
This baby girl ignited change in my soul. She caused me to love without bounds. To embrace without walls up. She allowed me to see that Christ loves me in a way I could not comprehend prior to her. Hours have been spent at banquets, fund raisers, political engagements, board meetings, coffee dates and more speaking on behalf of these people that are silenced. Just last week I spent over fifteen hours in three days sitting at Panera, read through five books, and watched four new documentaries because the momentum of my drive to change current policy laws could not be stopped. The Lord used her. He loved me, directed my path, and opened my Spirit wide to His compassion all through her little heart that has always been broken.
Shiro is not a statistic. She is not one of the million orphaned children you hear about. She is not a part of the un reached by medicine. She is not one in four affected by aids, the war, the poverty, the government. She is my daughter. She has a soul as sweet as honey. She is the gospel spoken through a life- telling you that we are called to just rest in His arms alone. That we are called to store our treasures in heaven alone. That is all Shiro could do- was sit and rest in Him, hope in heaven, and receive love.
I don’t know an exact reason that I feel such a strong pulse to tell you all of this. Maybe it is because of my ache, wanting to communicate again their need to be reached, to hopefully take some scales off that our world has put on. I really am not sure but I know that it needs to be told. Not just in this email but for the rest of my life. Her life created change in others that she has never even known of, gave them hope, dreams, and life. Thinking of all that she did without anything to offer by worldly standards makes me constantly question how deep the well goes of my own abilities to impact. Maybe by telling her story it will cause others to realize the intense joy that comes from investing in His Kingdom rather than this world, or to see how deep their well of influence goes. I don’t know but He does so I will continue to walk and speak as He calls me.

Last Week's:
I'm sure that all of you received an email from me this last fall begging for your prayers for her. She is the most beautiful little girl that I met while in a small village in Kenya, Africa called Ewaso. We immediately bonded and when I left she called me "mama". I spent ample amounts of time calling her, sending her blankets and pictures through the mail, and doing whatever I could to take care of this daughter of mine from oceans away the last two years. She had a heart disease that had been claimed untreatable and so I knew just minutes after I met her that she would not live long. A woman that faithfully took care of her after I left, called me in the fall saying that Shiro was about to pass and did not have much longer left. As many of you remember I was so broken. I have not heard from Mary since even after relentless phone calls, letters, and emails. A couple of months ago I came to terms with the fact that she might have passed away as well and was at peace with that though I continued to send my letters and money to her every month in hopes that that was not true.
yesterday I recieved an email from her apologizing because her phone had been destroyed in a conflict that arose in the village and she had been suffering from a great drought BUT that days after my phone conversation with her and Shiro in the fall three missionaries came and took Shiro to the hospital in Nairobi and paid for her to have surgery to fix a simple HOLE IN HER HEART THAT HAD BEEN COINED UNTREATABLE previously. She said that because of the funds she has been receiving, Shiro is beginning to walk, talk, run and go to school. Things she never did before. OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS! This is all I know to say to that. I think about it constantly. My little girl is not only alive but WELL and able to preach the gospel through her little 7 year old life. The God I serve is bigger than I'll ever know, has plans that surpass my knowledge, a providence and grace that is unlike anything i can imagine. Praise HIM ALONE for those three missionaries and for my sweet Mary who in her own poverty has taken Shiro, a previously homeless child, into her home and daily tells her about her American mama but wayy more valuable- her heavenly Father.

Isn't it such a joy to get to walk life with each other and hear of MIRACLES like this one? can't wait to write more of these to each other in the seasons that are to come.

Two Feet In The Present.

I have done an awful job as you all can see of writing on this blog much less making it fun and hip to look at. My apologies. Life has been crazy, as everyone's is, the last month wrapping up life here and getting ready to go. I've constantly had my nose in books written by Francis Schaeffer and others trying to get prepared to study over the next month and a half.
I've sat down to write on here several times and have found myself instead looking at other's blogs, listening to music, or simply closing the computer. As an avid writer I have wondered why communicating life on here has been stalling. I think it is partly because there is such an expanse to be written under that title "Life" and the feat of trying to relate all that has meant lately to someone seems impossible.
Life this last year has simply been good. Full of long work hours, even more stressful academic assignments, and a constant soul searching. The end result? The ability to go to L'Abri, a good GPA, and more than anything else - a peace, hope, and understanding that I can confidently say I have never ever in my life known the way I do tonight sitting here on my parent's porch.
My pastor at Fellowship sat down with me over coffee at Starbucks around this time last year and told me that it is okay to spend time understanding yourself and who you are. In fact, it is not just okay but an essential part in coming to know the Lord. The Lord is INSIDE of our spirit so in understanding our spirit- we find Him. In finding Him for OURSELVES and not just for a cultural experience, we grow in our understanding of who we really are. I walked away a year ago from that breakfast not really understanding all that he was talking about but knowing full well I needed whatever that was.
I've spent the last year doing just that. Finding that endless hours spent on social work policies, theories, and case studies brings me life that I did not know could be found in a career. Looking inside myself alongside amazing mentors to really look into my spirit has brought healing and hope. Figuring out how to be defined and grounded in myself rather than my group of friends, Africa project, or an organization. Some people might think that this sounds selfish- me me me. But by looking into my own life this last year I can tell you I have found truly only one thing to be consistent- HIM. HIM. HIM. Not the world's liberation but His acceptance. Not a mentor's approval but His love. Not the agreement that comes from someone who mirrors you but His peace that surpasses literally all understanding.
After many lonely months, weeks, days, and hours hovering over this one theme I decided a capstone to this period would be beautiful. The result: A week from Tuesday I will be walking from a train station to L'Abri with only a back pack. Sometimes I can't wait and other times I think I need to come up with a excuse quick to keep me here. This I know: there is a churning in my stomach when I think about it. And that means one thing- He plans on molding me a good bit while I am there. Stirring up some changes, watering my soul, and leading me to His feet.
With no phones and only an hour a week of Internet a blog might be the most efficient way to communicate with those of you that I count as treasures in my life. So journey along with me as we live life together with an ocean between us!

For now, I'm trying to keep two feet in the present, seeking out what life brings TODAY and not even trying to dip my fingers into all that is about to happen in the months to come...